Why am I here?

I believe the world is grateful to you too.. Over the years I have sometimes marvelled at how many emotions I have experienced and how many questions I have asked myself, and at the fiery passion that fuelled those emotions. I realised that the questions preoccupying me spanned the whole of my life. They covered everything from “Who is God, and where do we go after death?” to “Why am I here?” and “Why do I feel so bad about my body?”, as well as “Why is there so much shame around sex?” and “Why are there wars?”... and millions of other questions, far too many to list. I felt an inner resistance to the answers I was given at school and those towards which my attention was directed. Some answers touched my heart; others left me feeling without choices, subject to an authoritarian power exercised over me. They tried to convince me that life had only one purpose and that everything must be directed towards it if I wanted to succeed. I was also told what “succeeding in life” meant. Sometimes I was taught intolerance and judgement, contempt for others and competitiveness. All such messages, and many more, contradicted what I felt inside. They seemed confusing, misleading, inconsistent and hypocritical. Nevertheless, these were the views underlying the worldview in which I was raised. I was taught that people were divided, that some were better and others worse, that there was not enough of anything so we had to fight to get whatever we could, and that I was bad if my wishes differed from what my teachers, my social circle and society as a whole considered right. I absorbed these messages and many others not without resistance or confusion, but when I tried them out, I found that at times they all amounted to the same thing. Some I tested for only a split second before rejecting them; others I tested for years before rejecting them, and some I am still testing. At that time I made the final decision never to return to the religion I had left at twelve because of its hypocritical teachings, rigidity and intolerance of other opinions. The hardest part was that rejecting it confronted me with the need and the challenge to establish an entirely new relationship with God. Without religion, I did not know where to begin. Although I believed in God, years passed between my break with religion and my renewed connection with a God I had redefined in a way that felt clear and right. One day, after returning from a trip, I withdrew to the back garden, where I often sat in deep reflection. An inner conflict had arisen between a profound, indescribable gratitude for having been given so many experiences and a feeling of dissatisfaction, confusion and disappointment that those experiences also brought, among other things, so much loneliness and estrangement from the world. I had achieved everything my family and the world at large had taught me to achieve. Thinking about it now, I understood that those achievements were a natural result of my efforts. But those efforts had been motivated by many very different things. I found that two motives stood out among all the others. The first and most fundamental was my wish to understand and express myself and the world I lived in, then to share those personal revelations and my love for people. I felt that this might validate other people’s experiences and give them courage and comfort if they recognised themselves in what I shared. It seemed to me that we human beings would feel more connected if we discovered we had similar experiences. When I expressed my love, I inspired others to love too. Even the way I expressed my experiences could help others define themselves, depending on whether or not it resonated with them. The second motivating impulse was my wish to work well and beyond my strength, without caring for myself, to satisfy my curiosity about the success that society insisted I must achieve to have any worth as a person. At that stage of my life I was riding the crest of the wave by society’s standards, yet I felt something was missing and was determined to discover what. So I went to India to escape the pressure to work at a ruinous pace, to reflect and look at my own life from an objective perspective. I joked with a friend that I could just as easily have achieved what I went to India for in our back garden. But it was easier to be somewhere I was not constantly hearing “When is your next record coming out?” An entirely harmless question in itself, but at that time it did not make me feel any better. Most importantly, in India I came back to myself. Although that feeling of turning inward was not unfamiliar, I had never experienced it at such profound levels. I discovered a landscape more astonishing than anywhere I had been before. It was a journey in both the literal and figurative sense, undertaken after my first taste of success and high social status, after putting myself out there and experiencing all the consequences. Driven by a wish to experience the inner peace I still did not know, I felt the need to let go of everything. I wanted to release all material possessions and every symbol of status. I felt ready to do whatever was necessary to break with illusions and achieve inner peace. I was even prepared to abandon my desire to express myself through writing and music, which had brought me comfort and satisfaction since my youth. What I mean is that I was ready to do anything to find inner peace, but I did not know precisely what that anything was. Most of the time I did nothing, and this did not bring me the joy I felt was my right. Apparently I did not need to lose everything to find peace and enlightenment... But the willingness to do whatever was necessary, and an open mind prepared to venture into unfamiliar territory, played a decisive role in finally finding them. I was ready to let go of every expectation of others and of their expectations of me. I wanted to know who my true friends were, and I reassessed all my friendships. I remember telling a friend that I wondered whether it was time for me to die, because that was how I felt. Clearly it was not, and I am glad. I watched the voices in my head that suggested anything other than love; I still keep replaying those tapes. I wanted clarity about my true purpose in life: to grow, express, define and love myself, and to honour and inspire the same in others with all my strength. I re-examined many things I had been taught to see whether they served that purpose. It was a very beautiful, astonishing time. I am happy to feel that level of rebirth when I wake in the morning, not all the time, but very often. My life did not change outwardly as much as I had wanted, but the inner change affected my attitude towards many things. There was one book capable of changing a person’s life that I took with me to India. It had an enormous influence on me and helped me reach the deepest truths within myself: the first “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch. A friend gave it to me shortly before I left. I think she understood what I needed and believed the book would inspire me and offer the insight I was ready to receive. It gave me all that and much more. On discovering this book, I immediately felt less alone... I felt better understood, more accepted, less crazy. Many times as I read, I was moved to tears by recognising myself in the words. I found comfort, inspiration and self-affirmation. I felt at one with all life, supported and acknowledged. The God in this book was the God I had always imagined: unconditionally loving, consistent and without expectations. I felt I had come home. I know the book came to me at exactly the right moment in my life. I also know that friendship with a book like this saved me from the needless suffering and loneliness of the years before its arrival. I am so happy to know that this book is here now and that you can read it at this moment in your life. I am very happy that there is now a version of this message accessible to young people. Perhaps this book will touch you as it touched me, as will all the “Conversations with God” books. Perhaps you will realise that many people of every generation are proud and happy to know that you are helping to build the future. I embrace you warmly, to give you the courage and open-mindedness needed to read a book like this, and thank you so much for your contribution to this earth, whatever form it may take, whether you consider it great or very small by your own definition. Thank you! I believe the world is grateful to you too, for being who you are, here and now. All the best! I send you much love! Alanis Morissette