The Bulgarian model

Proud to be Bulgarian!! If we have given the world anything, it is the Bulgarian model. Like the Pyramid of Cheops or the Tower of Babel, it is our contribution to humanity’s treasury. In complicated terms, it is a state of mind. A particular way of thinking. A kind of soul. In simple terms, the opposite of all that. Columbus sets off for India and discovers America. We set off for America and end up in India. We keep discovering America, and it always turns out we have discovered India. Everywhere in the world, the emperor in Andersen’s tale is naked. Here, the reverse happened: the emperor is dressed, and the people are naked. And hungry. And unemployed. Everywhere in the world, mad people are considered decent people who are ill. Here, decent people are considered mad. Ever since Botev’s time. Everywhere in the world, holes are found mostly in cheese. Here, they hold senior positions. There, when you shoot someone, that person dies. Here, even when you shoot at someone else, Aleko Konstantinov dies. There, the nations are great. Here, it is the Grand National Assembly. There, the sublime is only one step from the ridiculous. Here, there is no difference at all. Their people are free; our prices are. That is the Bulgarian model. The Bulgarian model is worse even than the Bermuda Triangle. In the Bermuda Triangle, things simply disappear. And you know they are gone. Under the Bulgarian model, they exist, but they are not what they are. And you do not know what they are. It is called a petrol station, but there is no petrol, no one changes your oil, checks your tyres or washes your windows. You only know it is the tallest in the Balkans. Or the widest. According to this model, Bulgarian dwarfs are the shortest in the world and Bulgarian men the manliest. The Bulgarian model means silence is golden, a bowed head is spared the sword, and an egg today is better than a hen tomorrow, because a docile lamb suckles from two mothers. And it means kidnapping Charlie Chaplin’s remains for ransom. Under the Bulgarian model, villagers come to town to buy milk, and townspeople go to the village to gather the harvest. The Bulgarian model is a bicycle with no pedals but ten handlebars. And factories producing amateur artistic performances. The Bulgarian model is a coin with a hole drilled through it and a thread attached, so we can ride lifts and use telephones for free. Under the Bulgarian model there is no ninth hole in the shepherd’s flute. It has not been drilled. They have gone straight to the tenth. The Bulgarian model is not about me doing well, but about you doing badly. The Bulgarian model is indestructible. It will be finished when we all go to Canada. As will Canada itself.